Thursday, July 27, 2006

The first pages of CONFESSIONS OF AN HONEST MAN


July, 1967.  Detroit, Michigan

          Three musicians were standing beside the club’s back door, under a canvas awning with scalloped trim. They wore black tuxedoes, replete with cummerbunds, bow ties and shoes polished to mirror perfection.  The tallest of the three, a man in his early sixties, wore a red poppy in his lapel.  The others had white carnations.  A few people stopped to shake their hands and offer words of praise.  Someone laughed a boozy laugh.  When the people had drifted away, the older musician butted his cheroot in the sand of an ashtray.  He stepped off the concrete pad and walked towards his car.
          The other two followed casually, about fifteen seconds apart.  They got into the vehicle and quietly closed the door 
          Soon they were engrossed in the ritual of the pipe: lighting, inhaling, holding their breath, exhaling. It was cozy in the Continental’s plush interior.  Air came through the upholstery’s leather seams, as if the vehicle sighed.  The men were settling down, recharging their nerves for the next set, the last set.  It was one o’clock in the morning.
          BANG!  A sound like a bomb shocked the trio with sudden terror.  Their bodies reacted before their brains registered the sound.  They ducked, and their hands flew to cover their heads.
          The car lurched as a man dove across the hood, holding a pistol in his right hand.  His legs swam wildly as he fought to stop his momentum.  Whatever tactic he had in mind, it wasn’t working.  The car’s sheen and finish turned the hood into a sliding board.
          In the back seat, Aaron Kantro cursed loudly without thinking.  "Jesus fucking Christ!”  He had never before heard a gun shot.  In spite of this fact, he recognized the sound.  It was rounder, weightier, and more final than the sound of a firecracker. 
          The man on the car's hood waved the pistol frantically.  Slithering to get his balance, he clutched at the windshield wipers and missed.  Gravity and car wax slid him across the polished metal until he landed on the ground.  The pistol fired as he hit the gravel.  The bullet penetrated a tire with a loud hiss.
          The man sprang up and disappeared among the ordered rows of vehicles in the parking lot.
          Zoot Prestige held a finger to his mouth and moved quietly to the floor of the passenger seat.  The musicians were already breaking the law.  Zoot didn’t want to be a witness.  Zoot didn’t want questions.  Zoot didn’t want any dealings with the Poe-Leece! 
          Aaron scrunched onto the floor of the back seat until his arm rested on the hump of the drive shaft.  Tyrone, on the other side, was hoping to disappear via the flawed logic of an ostrich.  He was pulling his little pork-pie hat over his eyes.
          A voice shouted, "I'LL KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” 
          Two more shots were fired from the opposite corner of the lot.  Two ovoid muzzle flashes lit up the windshields of Cadillacs and Thunderbirds.  A man’s face appeared, pressed to the window of Zoot’s car.  His cheek was distorted against the glass, with an eye like a panicked horse.  His breath steamed the window only inches from Zoot's face.  With a slight turn to the right, Zoot became a virtual nose-to-nose mirror image of the man with the gun. 
          The enraged shooter didn’t see the human being an inch from his face.  He raised a snubby revolver over the top of the vehicle, fired twice without aiming, and ran to cover behind a black Eldorado.  The wind had changed.  The shots were barely audible.
          "Sheee-it!” Zoot grumbled, “I hope nobody messes up my short.  I paid three hundred bucks for this custom paint job.”  The immaculately polished car was long and sleek as a submarine.
          A voice shouted, "HEY LOOK HE'S OVER THERE!" 
          Bang bang bang! Flashes lit up the musician's faces.  Guns were all over the place.  Aaron looked at Tyrone.  The pianist had twitched and spilled a pipe full of burning marijuana into his lap.  He brushed and patted frantically to prevent embers from smoldering through his pants.  Thrusting his hands into his pockets he made a basket to prevent sparks from spreading onto the seat.  Aaron produced a handkerchief and helped contain the disaster.  Tyrone was feeling little stings of fire burning their way into his palms.  He was tossing the embers back and forth as he jumped and wriggled all over the tiny space behind the driver’s seat.  When the young musicians’ eyes met they realized that Tyrone had forgotten to exhale. 
          They began to giggle.  Tyrone managed to empty his lungs without breaking into a hacking cough.  The bodies of both men were convulsed with terrified hilarity.

The following is from my collection of fake email spams, called "Why I"m Not Famous".


YOU’VE ALREADY BEEN APPROVED!

Dear Consumer, we know you've blown your credit completely. We know you want to start climbing the ladder of success all over again. We have the perfect credit card for you: The Visa Tungsten Card. With your new Tungsten Card, you can borrow two hundred bucks at the low rate of 80.99% plus daily prime rate, whatever that might be, but not to exceed 100% except in the territory of Guam, where usury is permitted. Once your credit has been re-established at this level The Heavy Metal Credit Card Program can then be tailored to fit your needs. If you are Manic-Depressive, our Lithium card, with interest rates that plunge and soar, might be just the thing. If you're an impoverished weight lifter, the Iron Card, where the interest just keeps pumping up, would suit your needs. You can get back on the path of easy credit! You can work your way up through Titanium to Gold to Platinum, and beyond! The Uranium Card has rates that are positively radioactive! All these cards are supported by our We Don't Give A Shit If You Pay Us Back Protection Program. When you sign the consent form on the application, the fine print contracts you, in the case of any default, to work for us at our Cubicle Complex 800 Telemarketing Center in Bevins, Nebraska. Sign up Now. Call 1-800-SCAM.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

I talk to the world
by Art Rosch
Copyright July 14, 2002




I know, I know,
you’re wondering what
it all is,
why it’s so damned
complicated
and why you can’t just
settle down
and make it good
why it’s so freaking hard
to work out
so impossible
to solve
why there’s no answer: no,
not even an answer,
just a way
to be
that isn’t painful
shameful
embarassing
mistaken
poorly conceived
broken
half hearted
out of tune….
I know, I know…
What the hell is it?
what started it to go this way
and not some other
way,
some way deeper,
more satisfying
more noble
than the squalid human consequences
of being here
with all this motherstuff
fatherstuff,
bad uncle
mean neighbor
bullying enemy
conniving stranger
evil intentions
ugly ideas.
What is it that made life
so crazy
that to get a drink of water
means murder
to own a house
to dig a well
to marry a total stranger
means ten generations
of violent feud
what happened
to human beings
how did we miss everything
so completely
why aren’t we quiet enough
thoughtul enough
to see a hundred fifty shades
of color
in a sunset cloud
why are we so noisy
so sloppy and clumsy
why do we breathe all wrong,
BREATHE ALL WRONG
what does it take
to be right with life?
Look in the eyes of your baby.
Remember what you see.
Try very hard to remember
look in the eyes
of your lover
remember what you see
remember love
and its intricate rich depth,
DON’T FORGET!
Aaaah!
It’s so easy to forget
it takes but a heart beat
were we talking about love?
I don’t remember.
There was something that confused me
I forgot
and now, see,
what happens?
Now, see?

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Normal

Feb 13 2002
I envy normal people.
I am aware, rationally,
that these so-called normal people
look to me with envy.
I am aware, that, in fact,
there is no such thing as normal people.
I’ll put it this way:
I envy anyone without a major vice,
addiction, character flaw or personality disorder.
I have all of these things.
I feel as though some invisible
but highly palpable psychic booger
is hanging from a prominent place
on my visage.
Any idiot should be able to perceive
this booger, this gap, this wound,
this unwholesomeness
at the center of my soul.
And I wonder, “if I am this good a con man,
what is everyone else hiding?”
But my envy is emotional, is not amenable
to my carefully reasoned and observed
perception that there are no normal people
in the world,
that to be alive in these times
is to be disordered
and full of concealed untidy fragments.
I envy normal people with normal lives;
with homes, families, jobs.
These are the good people engaged so fulsomely
in the pursuit of happiness.
Far from pursuing happiness, I have long since abandoned myself
to the avoidance of misery
by any reasonable means.
After fifteen years of therapy,
I’ve given up on health, happiness, thriving,
any of those curiously modern concepts
with which we aggravate ourselves.
I still envy normal people.
But I have decided to engage myself
in a ferocious loyalty to my abnormality.
It has, like an old friend, sustained me
these many years.
I’m afraid of what I might lose,
if I became, suddenly, in spite of my envy,
normal.